Where Am I Now

Wow so it has been a really really long time since I wrote my last blog post. I told myself to make sure to write regularly but it’s been pretty difficult. I tend to have a lot of ideas but after a while they just disappear and I’m left with nothing to write about.

So I think you can imagine how long it took for me to finally decide to write this. But after thinking through it, I felt that I would have quite a substantial amount of things to say and it’s about time I did something like this. More than a quarter of the year has already passed and so much has happened. And since my last post was my 2015 Review, I thought it would be good to check up on myself.

So when the new year started I wrote down some new year’s resolutions for myself. One of them was to be healthier, more specifically to make sure I exercise regularly and eat properly and lose weight in the process. I think I can say with much confidence that I’ve been working very hard on that. In my 2015 Review, I mentioned how I gained a lot of weight and I was honestly so sick of it. Not only was it super uncomfortable, but it made me feel very insecure and unconfident. Because of that, I felt incredibly determined to make a change.

It definitely wasn’t an easy process though. I had a ton of ups and downs. I cannot even count the number of times I would fall back into binging. I think it was because when I was trying to exercise and diet, I would totally abstain from eating anything unhealthy. And because I’m a huge foodie at heart, I couldn’t take it and would just eat a lot of it at once to make up for it. I realise now that I should allow myself some every once in a while and not abstain from it totally. But I am very happy that I’ve been going to the gym more (as I’m typing this I’m actually in the gym) and have gotten fitter and hopefully that will continue along with a good diet. I’m sure that I still have a long way to go but I just got to keep trying and I am sure I will get there one day.

On the subject of weight and exercise, recently I’ve really been struggling with my body image. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and feel that no matter how much I exercise and diet I’ll never look like the majority of girls in Singapore. Here, so many girls have the same body type of being really thin and it is pretty homogenous. Being surrounded by such people every day in your life makes me feel like I’ll never fit into that cookie mould. I will always be naturally curvier and thicker than most girls. Even at my thinnest I was never like the rest.

In my head, I’ve constantly told myself that I need to be confident and happy with my body, that I can’t help having some of my features and the media portrays an impossible ideal. And I know how important it is to believe in all this. But knowing and actually doing it, is very different. Because I am so unconfident and insecure, many times I have gone online to look up pictures of curvier women, to remind myself that I’m not alone in this and make myself feel better. This is not necessarily a bad thing to do, but I think at the end of the day I should have the inner strength to tell myself that I’m fine the way I am.

Another new year’s resolution I made was that I would improve my studies by working harder since they were pretty bad, like I mentioned before. To be honest, nothing much has changed since then. My results are still pretty bad, in fact I got back my exam results recently and they weren’t fantastic. I can honestly say that I haven’t put in much effort in fulfilling this new year’s resolution. It’s not that I don’t want to though, but it’s just really hard to motivate myself to do it, even harder than motivating myself to exercise. Plus I’ve been crashing a lot. I really don’t know what I can do to fix it and this has been incredibly hard for me.

However, sometimes I feel that I don’t have the right to complain so much about my studies though. I have a friend who has told me she’s really demoralized because she’s doing really badly. And her grades really are a lot worse than mine. Other than her, I have other friends that do worse than me too. It really makes me feel bad that I’m complaining. It definitely isn’t intentional though. When I complain, I don’t ever make it sound like I’m ungrateful for my grades (at least not intentionally). But the thing is I’m struggling too and I don’t want to be stuck with these grades forever. After talking to someone about it, I think I managed to realize what I need to do. He said that I shouldn’t make my friend feel worse about herself but at the same I shouldn’t be satisfied with my situation. I really need to stop being so lazy and work harder so I can improve in my studies.

Moving onto my friendships. Well, let’s just say a lot happened. The biggest thing that happened was the fallout with a really close friend. She’s the friend I always turn to when I need someone confide in and she always knows what to say to help me put things into perspective. Other than that, we talk every day about all sorts of random stuff and it’s really the most comforting thing ever. But then one day we ended up distancing ourselves from each other.  It’s mainly because I pushed her to her limit. What I mean by that is because I confide in her so often about pretty much the same things, she was getting very tired and annoyed of it. To be honest, I could already sense it for a while but it was when I asked her about it did she tell me her honest feelings. And from there we ended up being apart for a while.

During that time, it felt really odd and I definitely missed her a lot. It was like a huge part of my life was missing, and honestly in some ways it was. We used to talk to each other every hour of every single day about all sorts of things, so suddenly not being able to do that felt really weird. I found this quote which explains it quite well actually:

And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing, and within the next second I want to tell or text you what happened. And then it hits me again, every single time, that you aren’t there anymore. That I lost that one thing that mattered to me. 

Elizabeth Van de Abeele

When I first saw this quote, I really found it incredibly relatable (maybe not to the same extent though). I cannot even count the number of times that I wanted to message her and tell her something and had to stop because I couldn’t. It was during those times I felt extremely lonely. But I understood that it had to be done. To be honest, I really understood how she felt because I was on that side of the fence before. But it still hurt. A lot.

For a long time, I felt very miserable without her. I remember how I cried a lot and kept blaming myself for everything that had happened. I felt really guilty that I had caused her to feel that way and wished that I had done something different. I talked to some of my other friends about it and it really helped me get through that difficult period. They talked me through my emotions and gave me a lot of comfort and encouragement. I’m really grateful for them and it really made me realize that I’m never truly alone. In the process, I even managed to get closer to someone and that made me very happy.

In the end, everything was ok. After being apart for a while, we reconnected when we got back our A Level results and found out we both did really well. From there, we gradually went back to texting regularly and even went out to celebrate. Things are definitely a lot better now and I think I’m a lot happier. I think something this entire experience has taught me is that distance is not a bad thing. It might be scary and lonely, but it might be something you need. You just have to remember it’s only temporary and at the end of it things will be ok. 

Moving onto another one of my friendships. Ironically, with this second friend, I became the first friend in our relationship. This second friend of mine constantly comes to me to complain about how she has a very difficult time coping with her life; from her work, to her health and even her family. Initially, I really tried to help her get through her struggles by giving her comfort and advice. But after a while it just got extremely exhausting.

I know it probably sounds very hypocritical of me since I put her through something similar that I went through. I did try empathise with her situation as much as I could, but I found myself constantly frustrated at her. After thinking about it, I found that it was because I felt that she really wasn’t trying to improve her situation. I felt that she kept wallowing in her own self-misery and stubbornly doesn’t listen to any of the advice I give her so I really couldn’t take it anymore.

There was a period of time I gave her the cold shoulder but it didn’t last. I think she could sense my frustration but didn’t really understand that I wanted to have some distance. (It’s probably also my fault though since I didn’t tell her straight-forwardly) But right now my feelings towards her are pretty ok. There will still be times that I get annoyed at her, but I try and reign it in more now. I just really hope she can improve because she cannot depend on me all the time. I have my limits too.

Something interesting that happened in terms of my friendships is that I actually reconnected with some of my really old friends. When we first met, I was very scared that things would be really awkward between us. But I was really surprised to see we could get along really well even though we hadn’t talked for very long. Things just felt incredibly natural between us, like nothing has changed during the span of time we lost contact. At first I was really confused about it but I found this quote that explained it quite well: 

Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.

Ally Condie

I think that even if you don’t actively maintain the friendship, as long as you have established a deep enough bond, things between the two of you won’t really change. Both of you will kind of realize that you can still be your quirky natural selves around one another without anything being different. I’m just feel so happy and lucky that I’m able to have friendships like these.

Other than my friendships, there is also the relationship with my parents. I don’t think this is something I actually talk about much, probably because they are constantly in my life so I don’t really think about it. But let’s just say that things have been getting really complicated recently. I find it very hard to get along with them now. I don’t know how to explain it, but I tend to get very annoyed at them. 

I know that’s a terrible thing to say it, but I think it’s because our behaviour and thoughts are very different. There have been many times that I really don’t agree with my parents opinions and sometimes I feel very ashamed because I think they don’t know how to deal with other people properly. I probably sound like a terrible child right now but I can’t deny that I feel this way. It’s a real struggle because they’re my parents and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Moving on to the final thing, my mental health. I mentioned previously how I have terrible anxiety. After thinking about it for a while and going through more emotional turmoil, I feel I might also have depression. And because I was really sick and tired of having to go through so much emotional pain, especially because of last year, I finally decided to tell my mom about it. It honestly felt so liberating, like I wasn’t hiding anything from her anymore. And it was really nice knowing that I have someone on my side supporting me. I was definitely very scared to tell her at first, but I’m glad I took that leap of faith and I don’t regret it one bit.

When I told her, I brought up the possibility of going to see a counsellor or specialist, but I have yet to do that till this day. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I don’t see the need to at this moment. In the earlier months, I still went through a lot of emotional turmoil and it made me feel terrible. I remember crying so much the days leading up to school starting because I was so scared of going back. And then there was the fallout between my friend and I, which also made me feel utterly miserable. But after all that passed, I’m feeling pretty ok now. Of course I still have my ups and downs, but I really think I have better control over my emotions now. I’m honestly really happy I’ve made it this far and hopefully it gets better from here.

Well, I think that’s all I really have to say about the year so far. As you can see, so much has happened. (I really wasn’t expecting the blog post to be this long) And as I’ve said before, I don’t regret experiencing any of it. All my experiences have definitely taught me something and I’ve come out of it stronger. I’m happy that I’ve made improvements here and there, but I still have a very long way to go. I still have quite a bit of the year left so hopefully things can only keep on improving from here.

So here’s to the rest of 2016! May I keep on working and improving and strive to become the best I can be!

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