The words synonymous with danisnotonfire (as you can see I am a fan). When I first heard him talk about it, I sort of understood where he came from but I could never fully empathise. And I always wondered how it felt like. Now though, I would say I’m in the very same position as he is. And let me just start of with saying it feels terrible. If I were to be honest, this has been going on for a very long time now. And I have put off writing this for a while now. But it has not even been a tenth of how bad as it is now.
I mentioned this before in my 2015 review, but I became very jaded in my O Level year. And since then, things have not been getting any better. In fact, it’s just been getting a lot worse. It continued throughout my J1 year and has lasted until now. And it reached its peak during the Mid Year Exam period in June. I remember having absolutely no motivation to study at all and I really did not want to do what I was doing. I just really hated everything in that moment and felt like it was not worth it. Then soon enough, Prelims rolled by (as I’m writing this they are about to come to an end already). These thoughts and feelings were definitely not as intense compared to the Mid Year Exam period, but that does not mean that those feelings weren’t there.
Though on top of that, I started worrying more because even at this point when it is so close to the A Levels, I’m still not doing well on any of my tests and exams and I’m struggling so much. And that makes me very very scared. I’m so scared I’m going to fail A Levels and be a failure… But at the same time, I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I’m just studying for the sake of studying and I am meant to do greater things than just this. I feel like I’m ready to just drop everything and give up. But that’s very scary too because I know I can’t do that…
During this entire period, I’ve been consistently questioning my life’s purpose. I started asking myself so many questions: Why am I doing what I am doing now? Is all of this worth it? Will I be able to reach a goal? Do I even know what I want to achieve in life?Am I currently on the right path? Will I be happy?
Honestly, I just feel like I want to do so much more with my life like travel, meet new people and gain so many new experiences. But I’m stuck doing this. And it’s just so stressful, tiring and limiting. I just really hate the position of my life I am in right now. I know that studying and doing well for A’s is very important for your future, but at this point when things are so difficult, it is very hard to remember that.
Putting things into perspective, it really is a very vicious cycle. Let’s start from the very beginning. Right now, I am in a very bad position in my life and because of that I feel terrible a lot of the time and lack the motivation to do anything. As a result, I tend to procrastinate because it is the only thing that can make me happy. But then when I don’t study and my grades slip, I start worrying because you know that you can’t let that happen because A Levels is important for your future. But because I am still stuck in the bad position of my life, I am not willing to put in the effort and question whether everything is worth it. Hence the existential crisis.
All in all, it’s very conflicting. It really feels like your life lacks a lot of purpose and everything you’re doing is futile. But a part of you knows you need to get through this or else your future will be very difficult. At the same time though, I cannot help but feel that I’m not on the right path. I always question: Is what I’m doing now even going to bring me to the future I want? And then I ask myself another question: What do I even want to do in the future?
Right now, I’m really trying to do what I can for A Levels and I try to remind myself that I need to do well or else my future will be at stake. But I give up very easily. People always say to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, but they forget that it can be very hard to look at a more positive long term outcome when you’re suffering a lot now.
I usually try to end these things off on a more positive note. But in reality, I am a very negative person. Whenever I did that, it was something I forced myself to do that so I could remind myself that I have something better to look forward to.
But now I am finding it very difficult to say something positive about this. I guess all I can really say is that the next time I come back, which will probably be after A Levels, I hope I will be in a better position in life and hopefully have no regrets, especially concerning A Levels. Then I can look back on this in retrospect and tell myself that things really do turn out ok.