Finally

Well, this is pretty long overdue. But honestly I just didn’t feel like writing this when A Levels first ended. Even now, I still don’t really feel like doing it. And although I have decided to write it, I think it’ll be very different from what I had initially intended it to be.

I still remember how during the A Level period I had so many intense feelings  and I jotted them all down, with the intention of fully writing it after A Levels. But once they ended, I just didn’t feel it anymore. I think when you’re very stressed your mind tends to scatter a lot because you just feel so overwhelmed and anything is better than studying. But as time went by, a lot of these feelings disappeared because I was getting more and more relaxed and there was no need for me to think of all these things.

I initially intended to write this really long intense summary of what had happened over the past two years, my feelings throughout this entire period of time, what I’ve learnt and how far I’ve come since the beginning. But to be honest, I don’t think I really need to write that anymore. Not only have I shared a lot of it here already and writing it would simply just be a repetition, but I feel like I have internalised it already. So I think right now I’ll just share where I’ll be going from here.

Now that A’s are over, I really can’t wait for my life to actually begin! From exercising more to doing more photography, traveling all over the place and surrounding myself with my loved ones, I’m just want to dedicated all my time to being happy and figuring out what I want to do with my life.

However, a part of me also finds all this very daunting because I have so much to do and fix. I’ve tried so hard and managed to come this far already, but knowing that such a long way to go before I can actually reach my goal feels so scary. But I think I just have to have faith and keep my head held up high. I have seen so many people turn their lives around and they shall be my inspiration and motivation to do the same. Sometimes I feel like my journey is at a slower pace than others but I have to remember that everyone is different and I’m doing my best already. I will definitely reach a point in my life where I’ll be 100% happy with myself and now it is time to work on getting there.

From here on out, I’ll be taking things one step at a time and just making sure I keep on going and never give up. The world is so expansive and there really are a ton of options I can explore, Regardless of my A Level results next year, even if they’re bad, my life isn’t going to stop here. I definitely don’t want to go back to that dark place and I’ll make sure to get to a place where I’m very happy with everything in my life. I want to look back 5, 10, 20 years from now and say that I’m glad I managed to get where I am today.

You know, despite what a terrible experience everything was, I am also very grateful for it. I’m sure I have said this enough times, but it really has allowed me to learn and grow so much as a person. From here on out, I’m sure things can only go up. So here is to a better life and a hopeful future!

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Enlightenment

Flashback to mid-September.

It was after Prelims and we were getting back our results. That was when I found out I did very badly for Prelims and was extremely upset. I am aware that it is normal for people to do badly, but I felt I was doing worse than just badly. I was really under-performing (some of my teachers even said so). I started feeling like no matter how much I did, I would never make any progress, especially with the little amount of time I had left. I’ve honestly had those feelings for a very long time now, but seeing how it was reflected in my results and how it close it was to A Levels, they just intensified and made feel very defeated. All this, coupled with my already existing anxiety and depression, caused me to spiral into a crippling depression. I remember crying non-stop for many days and nights, feeling extremely devastated and isolated like my life could not get any better. (It reached a point that I even considered doing A Levels next year.)

However, after spending a lot of time talking to many people and doing a lot of self-reflection, I managed to come out of this ordeal being much stronger. I realised I had already come so far and now I just need to keep on going and complete A Levels. I could not give up now, no matter how difficult things are. Just making sure I was consistently doing work every day, even if it was a little bit, would make a difference. I just have to give my all and do my best. And even in the worst case scenario where I do badly for A Levels, I have to remember that the world is so expansive and there are a lot of opportunities to succeed in this world. I know that these are things we constantly hear from people, but at this point, I finally fully understood what it meant and felt like I could truly believe in it.

Coming back to 20 October 2016.

When I was having consultation with my teacher, we ended up talking quite a bit. Our conversation started because he felt that I was not doing very well even though A Levels is two weeks away. And I honestly told him that I am very jaded and just felt so done with studying (Nothing new here as mentioned previously in my 2015 Review) But at the same time I obviously do not want to do badly, but I really just don’t have the motivation to work for it as well.

I continued to share a lot of my other feelings with him and I’ll admit, it felt pretty disappointing at first. But surprisingly, it took a very positive turn. We discussed how the education system here puts so much emphasis on results that many feel that doing badly on national exams means guaranteed failure. But in reality, that really is not the case. He encouraged me to break out of the system and explore my options by taking a gap year to try all sorts of things. And I felt like it was great advice. I really do need time to find myself because the world is so expansive and has so much to offer. He also told me pretty honestly that I might do well for A Levels or might just do ok with my normal standard. But he reminded me once more, that things won’t end here. Not saying that I should just give on A Levels, I should still do my best. But hearing that, it just gave me a lot of hope and comfort for the future.

When we first started talking about this, I felt like I was having an existential crisis again. But then my teacher said that was not the case because now I have become more enlightened and I realised how true that was. A lot of these things are things I realised after the ordeal of Prelims and I have been ok for a while now. But talking to my teacher made me realise how much progress I have made. And right now, everything just feels so clear.

After all the hardships I’ve been through the past two years, right now, I feel like I can really confidently say that I am doing so much better and I can only see things getting better from here. In fact, I feel really grateful for all the hard times I’ve had because they have made me a much better person. I am honestly so happy and satisfied and enlightened right now and I cannot emphasise that enough. A part of me feels like God really has a plan for me and I’m on my own marvellous journey.

I’ve said this before, but whenever I end these things off, I try to end things off on a more positive note to encourage myself to look forward to the future. However, those times that I did that, it was something I forced myself to do and was not something I fully believed in. But now that I have come out of my hardships being in a much better place and having so much positive energy, whatever I say now are things I truly do believe in.

I think the best, most realistic advice I can give anyone is something very simple: things will get better. Hard times will be difficult and I understand how miserable that can feel. And honestly, no matter what advice anyone gives you or what they say to comfort you now may not register in your brain. But I encourage you to keep all of it in mind because once everything is over and you look back on it, you will begin to internalise a lot of it. Honestly, as terrible as hard times are, they will past. Ultimately, they really can make you a much better person as you learn and grow from your experience.

So at this point where we are a mere two weeks away from A Levels, I just want to wish everyone all the best! We can do it!

 

Existential Crisis

The words synonymous with danisnotonfire (as you can see I am a fan). When I first heard him talk about it, I sort of understood where he came from but I could never fully empathise. And I always wondered how it felt like. Now though, I would say I’m in the very same position as he is. And let me just start of with saying it feels terrible. If I were to be honest, this has been going on for a very long time now. And I have put off writing this for a while now. But it has not even been a tenth of how bad as it is now.

I mentioned this before in my 2015 review, but I became very jaded in my O Level year. And since then, things have not been getting any better. In fact, it’s just been getting a lot worse. It continued throughout my J1 year and has lasted until now. And it reached its peak during the Mid Year Exam period in June. I remember having absolutely no motivation to study at all and I really did not want to do what I was doing. I just really hated everything in that moment and felt like it was not worth it. Then soon enough, Prelims rolled by (as I’m writing this they are about to come to an end already). These thoughts and feelings were definitely not as intense compared to the Mid Year Exam period, but that does not mean that those feelings weren’t there.

Though on top of that, I started worrying more because even at this point when it is so close to the A Levels, I’m still not doing well on any of my tests and exams and I’m struggling so much. And that makes me very very scared. I’m so scared I’m going to fail A Levels and be a failure… But at the same time, I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I’m just studying for the sake of studying and I am meant to do greater things than just this. I feel like I’m ready to just drop everything and give up. But that’s very scary too because I know I can’t do that…

During this entire period, I’ve been consistently questioning my life’s purpose. I started asking myself so many questions: Why am I doing what I am doing now? Is all of this worth it? Will I be able to reach a goal? Do I even know what I want to achieve in life?Am I currently on the right path? Will I be happy?

Honestly, I just feel like I want to do so much more with my life like travel, meet new people and gain so many new experiences. But I’m stuck doing this. And it’s just so stressful, tiring and limiting. I just really hate the position of my life I am in right now. I know that studying and doing well for A’s is very important for your future, but at this point when things are so difficult, it is very hard to remember that.

Putting things into perspective, it really is a very vicious cycle. Let’s start from the very beginning. Right now, I am in a very bad position in my life and because of that I feel terrible a lot of the time and lack the motivation to do anything. As a result, I tend to procrastinate because it is the only thing that can make me happy. But then when I don’t study and my grades slip, I start worrying because you know that you can’t let that happen because A Levels is important for your future. But because I am still stuck in the bad position of my life, I am not willing to put in the effort and question whether everything is worth it. Hence the existential crisis.

All in all, it’s very conflicting. It really feels like your life lacks a lot of purpose and everything you’re doing is futile. But a part of you knows you need to get through this or else your future will be very difficult. At the same time though, I cannot help but feel that I’m not on the right path. I always question: Is what I’m doing now even going to bring me to the future I want? And then I ask myself another question: What do I even want to do in the future?

Right now, I’m really trying to do what I can for A Levels and I try to remind myself that I need to do well or else my future will be at stake. But I give up very easily. People always say to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, but they forget that it can be very hard to look at a more positive long term outcome when you’re suffering a lot now.

I usually try to end these things off on a more positive note. But in reality, I am a very negative person. Whenever I did that, it was something I forced myself to do that so I could remind myself that I have something better to look forward to.

But now I am finding it very difficult to say something positive about this. I guess all I can really say is that the next time I come back, which will probably be after A Levels, I hope I will be in a better position in life and hopefully have no regrets, especially concerning A Levels. Then I can look back on this in retrospect and tell myself that things really do turn out ok.

 

Where Am I Now

Wow so it has been a really really long time since I wrote my last blog post. I told myself to make sure to write regularly but it’s been pretty difficult. I tend to have a lot of ideas but after a while they just disappear and I’m left with nothing to write about.

So I think you can imagine how long it took for me to finally decide to write this. But after thinking through it, I felt that I would have quite a substantial amount of things to say and it’s about time I did something like this. More than a quarter of the year has already passed and so much has happened. And since my last post was my 2015 Review, I thought it would be good to check up on myself.

So when the new year started I wrote down some new year’s resolutions for myself. One of them was to be healthier, more specifically to make sure I exercise regularly and eat properly and lose weight in the process. I think I can say with much confidence that I’ve been working very hard on that. In my 2015 Review, I mentioned how I gained a lot of weight and I was honestly so sick of it. Not only was it super uncomfortable, but it made me feel very insecure and unconfident. Because of that, I felt incredibly determined to make a change.

It definitely wasn’t an easy process though. I had a ton of ups and downs. I cannot even count the number of times I would fall back into binging. I think it was because when I was trying to exercise and diet, I would totally abstain from eating anything unhealthy. And because I’m a huge foodie at heart, I couldn’t take it and would just eat a lot of it at once to make up for it. I realise now that I should allow myself some every once in a while and not abstain from it totally. But I am very happy that I’ve been going to the gym more (as I’m typing this I’m actually in the gym) and have gotten fitter and hopefully that will continue along with a good diet. I’m sure that I still have a long way to go but I just got to keep trying and I am sure I will get there one day.

On the subject of weight and exercise, recently I’ve really been struggling with my body image. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and feel that no matter how much I exercise and diet I’ll never look like the majority of girls in Singapore. Here, so many girls have the same body type of being really thin and it is pretty homogenous. Being surrounded by such people every day in your life makes me feel like I’ll never fit into that cookie mould. I will always be naturally curvier and thicker than most girls. Even at my thinnest I was never like the rest.

In my head, I’ve constantly told myself that I need to be confident and happy with my body, that I can’t help having some of my features and the media portrays an impossible ideal. And I know how important it is to believe in all this. But knowing and actually doing it, is very different. Because I am so unconfident and insecure, many times I have gone online to look up pictures of curvier women, to remind myself that I’m not alone in this and make myself feel better. This is not necessarily a bad thing to do, but I think at the end of the day I should have the inner strength to tell myself that I’m fine the way I am.

Another new year’s resolution I made was that I would improve my studies by working harder since they were pretty bad, like I mentioned before. To be honest, nothing much has changed since then. My results are still pretty bad, in fact I got back my exam results recently and they weren’t fantastic. I can honestly say that I haven’t put in much effort in fulfilling this new year’s resolution. It’s not that I don’t want to though, but it’s just really hard to motivate myself to do it, even harder than motivating myself to exercise. Plus I’ve been crashing a lot. I really don’t know what I can do to fix it and this has been incredibly hard for me.

However, sometimes I feel that I don’t have the right to complain so much about my studies though. I have a friend who has told me she’s really demoralized because she’s doing really badly. And her grades really are a lot worse than mine. Other than her, I have other friends that do worse than me too. It really makes me feel bad that I’m complaining. It definitely isn’t intentional though. When I complain, I don’t ever make it sound like I’m ungrateful for my grades (at least not intentionally). But the thing is I’m struggling too and I don’t want to be stuck with these grades forever. After talking to someone about it, I think I managed to realize what I need to do. He said that I shouldn’t make my friend feel worse about herself but at the same I shouldn’t be satisfied with my situation. I really need to stop being so lazy and work harder so I can improve in my studies.

Moving onto my friendships. Well, let’s just say a lot happened. The biggest thing that happened was the fallout with a really close friend. She’s the friend I always turn to when I need someone confide in and she always knows what to say to help me put things into perspective. Other than that, we talk every day about all sorts of random stuff and it’s really the most comforting thing ever. But then one day we ended up distancing ourselves from each other.  It’s mainly because I pushed her to her limit. What I mean by that is because I confide in her so often about pretty much the same things, she was getting very tired and annoyed of it. To be honest, I could already sense it for a while but it was when I asked her about it did she tell me her honest feelings. And from there we ended up being apart for a while.

During that time, it felt really odd and I definitely missed her a lot. It was like a huge part of my life was missing, and honestly in some ways it was. We used to talk to each other every hour of every single day about all sorts of things, so suddenly not being able to do that felt really weird. I found this quote which explains it quite well actually:

And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing, and within the next second I want to tell or text you what happened. And then it hits me again, every single time, that you aren’t there anymore. That I lost that one thing that mattered to me. 

Elizabeth Van de Abeele

When I first saw this quote, I really found it incredibly relatable (maybe not to the same extent though). I cannot even count the number of times that I wanted to message her and tell her something and had to stop because I couldn’t. It was during those times I felt extremely lonely. But I understood that it had to be done. To be honest, I really understood how she felt because I was on that side of the fence before. But it still hurt. A lot.

For a long time, I felt very miserable without her. I remember how I cried a lot and kept blaming myself for everything that had happened. I felt really guilty that I had caused her to feel that way and wished that I had done something different. I talked to some of my other friends about it and it really helped me get through that difficult period. They talked me through my emotions and gave me a lot of comfort and encouragement. I’m really grateful for them and it really made me realize that I’m never truly alone. In the process, I even managed to get closer to someone and that made me very happy.

In the end, everything was ok. After being apart for a while, we reconnected when we got back our A Level results and found out we both did really well. From there, we gradually went back to texting regularly and even went out to celebrate. Things are definitely a lot better now and I think I’m a lot happier. I think something this entire experience has taught me is that distance is not a bad thing. It might be scary and lonely, but it might be something you need. You just have to remember it’s only temporary and at the end of it things will be ok. 

Moving onto another one of my friendships. Ironically, with this second friend, I became the first friend in our relationship. This second friend of mine constantly comes to me to complain about how she has a very difficult time coping with her life; from her work, to her health and even her family. Initially, I really tried to help her get through her struggles by giving her comfort and advice. But after a while it just got extremely exhausting.

I know it probably sounds very hypocritical of me since I put her through something similar that I went through. I did try empathise with her situation as much as I could, but I found myself constantly frustrated at her. After thinking about it, I found that it was because I felt that she really wasn’t trying to improve her situation. I felt that she kept wallowing in her own self-misery and stubbornly doesn’t listen to any of the advice I give her so I really couldn’t take it anymore.

There was a period of time I gave her the cold shoulder but it didn’t last. I think she could sense my frustration but didn’t really understand that I wanted to have some distance. (It’s probably also my fault though since I didn’t tell her straight-forwardly) But right now my feelings towards her are pretty ok. There will still be times that I get annoyed at her, but I try and reign it in more now. I just really hope she can improve because she cannot depend on me all the time. I have my limits too.

Something interesting that happened in terms of my friendships is that I actually reconnected with some of my really old friends. When we first met, I was very scared that things would be really awkward between us. But I was really surprised to see we could get along really well even though we hadn’t talked for very long. Things just felt incredibly natural between us, like nothing has changed during the span of time we lost contact. At first I was really confused about it but I found this quote that explained it quite well: 

Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.

Ally Condie

I think that even if you don’t actively maintain the friendship, as long as you have established a deep enough bond, things between the two of you won’t really change. Both of you will kind of realize that you can still be your quirky natural selves around one another without anything being different. I’m just feel so happy and lucky that I’m able to have friendships like these.

Other than my friendships, there is also the relationship with my parents. I don’t think this is something I actually talk about much, probably because they are constantly in my life so I don’t really think about it. But let’s just say that things have been getting really complicated recently. I find it very hard to get along with them now. I don’t know how to explain it, but I tend to get very annoyed at them. 

I know that’s a terrible thing to say it, but I think it’s because our behaviour and thoughts are very different. There have been many times that I really don’t agree with my parents opinions and sometimes I feel very ashamed because I think they don’t know how to deal with other people properly. I probably sound like a terrible child right now but I can’t deny that I feel this way. It’s a real struggle because they’re my parents and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Moving on to the final thing, my mental health. I mentioned previously how I have terrible anxiety. After thinking about it for a while and going through more emotional turmoil, I feel I might also have depression. And because I was really sick and tired of having to go through so much emotional pain, especially because of last year, I finally decided to tell my mom about it. It honestly felt so liberating, like I wasn’t hiding anything from her anymore. And it was really nice knowing that I have someone on my side supporting me. I was definitely very scared to tell her at first, but I’m glad I took that leap of faith and I don’t regret it one bit.

When I told her, I brought up the possibility of going to see a counsellor or specialist, but I have yet to do that till this day. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I don’t see the need to at this moment. In the earlier months, I still went through a lot of emotional turmoil and it made me feel terrible. I remember crying so much the days leading up to school starting because I was so scared of going back. And then there was the fallout between my friend and I, which also made me feel utterly miserable. But after all that passed, I’m feeling pretty ok now. Of course I still have my ups and downs, but I really think I have better control over my emotions now. I’m honestly really happy I’ve made it this far and hopefully it gets better from here.

Well, I think that’s all I really have to say about the year so far. As you can see, so much has happened. (I really wasn’t expecting the blog post to be this long) And as I’ve said before, I don’t regret experiencing any of it. All my experiences have definitely taught me something and I’ve come out of it stronger. I’m happy that I’ve made improvements here and there, but I still have a very long way to go. I still have quite a bit of the year left so hopefully things can only keep on improving from here.

So here’s to the rest of 2016! May I keep on working and improving and strive to become the best I can be!

2015 Review

Right now I’m just sat in front of my laptop, pausing every now and then as I try to fill the empty screen with whatever words I can. I finally decided to do this but right now I really have no idea what to write. It’s a lot harder than I thought but I’m definitely determined to do this. (But before that I can imagine this sitting in my drafts for a long time as I try to complete it)

Well… I guess this is a bit overdue. I’ve seen so many other people do their 2015 review in the first few days of 2016 while I’m here doing it in the end of the second week. I do have a reason though (though it wasn’t intentional at all). School starts for me next week and I’m honestly feeling really nervous. And since school was such a big part on my 2015, I thought it would be good to write this before that. For some encouragement you know?

So school. 2015 was the year I transitioned from secondary school to JC. I remember when I first got my O Level results and I felt really disappointed. I mean my overall score was still ok but the grades were not as good as I had expected them to be. It just made me feel super beaten down…

I managed to get over it though. I realised that there really was no point getting so upset because you are so much more than a grade. I should just focus on the future. After that I applied for a JC and I managed to get into my first choice. I was honestly so excited to start my new life in JC. I couldn’t wait to get a new uniform, make new friends and do well in my classes. It was a whole new start for me and what made it even better was that some of my old friends would accompany me along the way.

Sadly though that initial positivity wasn’t going to last. In my initial excitement to start the new school year I decided to challenge myself by taking up 4 H2 subjects. Man little did I know it would be the death of me. Not only was my schedule super packed and I ended really late every day, all the subjects were so difficult. JC life is already really tough as it is so taking up 4 H2s was incredibly painful. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t understand any of the material and my grades just kept slipping and slipping. I started feeling very discouraged and felt like there really wasn’t a point to study.

Now thinking back on it I remember how a few years ago I would be so hung up over my grades but gradually that started to change. (Like how I managed to get over my O Level score pretty quickly. If it was me in the past I would be incredibly depressed.) At the time I thought it was a good thing because it helped me relax more and even now I still think it helped me a lot. But at the same time it might have been a pretty bad thing because I became very jaded and started slacking off a lot. I already started showing signs back in sec 4 but in JC it became much worse.

And then there were my friendships. To put it simply, things really didn’t go well. It started out with my class where I couldn’t make any friends at all. Don’t get me wrong, they are all really nice people but I couldn’t click well with anyone of them. To me they were all super popular and extroverted while I was the shy awkward kid in class. And that made things very difficult because you are with your class practically 24/7 so I always felt really lonely.

I did manage to make some friends outside of my class though so that made up for it. But it was still very difficult because not only were they few but we rarely got to meet. You might be thinking: what about my old friends? Well… things didn’t go very well with them either. They started finding their own friends and we just started getting more and more distant. I tried to maintain our relationship but that didn’t really work out either. It just felt that things could never go back to the way they were before.

So overall with terrible grades coupled with failing friendships, I really struggled a lot. There were many times I felt very depressed and alone and I even had tons of suicidal thoughts. I constantly felt that my life would never get better. And to top it all of I gained a lot of weight. In the end of 2014 I worked very hard to exercise and lose weight and I succeeded. I became so thin to a point that everyone commented on it. But all that effort had gone to waste. It just made me feel incredibly unconfident and even more depressed.

My depression and anxiety even reached a point where I got really scared to go to school and would end up skipping. A lot of the time I convinced myself it was because I was stressed and I needed more time to do my work at home (which isn’t exactly false). But I think I really just wanted to avoid people. I didn’t want to have to deal being awkward around people and remind myself that I don’t have anyone I could really call a friend. At the end of the day, I really was just running away.

As the year progressed, I definitely had my ups and downs. There were days when things were better, days that my classmates would ask me whether they could help me buy food from the canteen and days where I would go out and have fun-filled time with my friends. Those were the times that I felt that I was appreciated and meant something to someone. But then there were also days when things were terrible, days when I would walk alone to my classes and days when I would see my friends hanging out without me. Those were the times that I felt that I could go my whole life without being noticed and it would not matter to anyone.

The rest of the year pretty much continued that way and soon enough my final exams were over and it was time for the holidays. I think that’s when my life really started turning around. If I were to sum up the holidays, I would say it was the holiday I really decided to do things so I wouldn’t regret it.

One of those decisions was to go for a internship. If this was the past me, I would have been so reluctant to go for it. I would have been so afraid to do something new. But with some pushing from my friend, I decided to do it. And I’m so glad I did. It was a very enriching experience as I managed to learn so much and gained a lot of insight into the profession. But I think the most memorable thing about the whole experience was the friends I made along the way. After having to deal with a year of failing friendships and being alone, I honestly thought there was no hope for me anymore. But I was really pleasantly surprised to see how friendly and welcoming they all were. They made me laugh so much and I really felt like I belonged with them, even if it was a short while. I honestly hadn’t felt so happy in such a long time and it will be a time I truly treasure.

Another one of those decisions was to travel. In the past, there were many times I decided not to travel during the holidays because I felt that I had a lot of work to do and I needed to study so it would be better if I didn’t travel. But whenever that happened I would always end up regretting it. Soon enough I realised that there will never be an end to the amount of work you do, so why not go and enjoy yourself? So I headed off to Japan and spent a week there. Japan has always been one of my favourite places in the world and being able to go there was fantastic. I managed to see so many things and do a lot of the things I wanted to do. The whole trip just made me feel really really happy. And even though I knew I had so much work to do once I went back, being able to get away and relax after such a hectic year made me feel really good inside.

This holiday has definitely been a incredible one. You could say I find it so memorable because it happened recently, but I really think it was a very eventful holiday. It was the happiest I felt in the entire year (well I did have a pretty terrible year but anyway) and I think it really opened up my life a lot. I know that sounds quite weird, but I like to think by taking this step in my life things will be different from here. It gives me hope that things can improve as long as I try. The holidays are already coming to an end though and I’m really going to miss it.

And that leaves us with where we are now. If I were to sum up the entire year, I would say this has been the hardest year yet. I know I always say that and it’s true. As you age, life will never get easier. But this has definitely been the most emotionally turbulent year so far. I don’t regret going through any of it though. I’m a firm believer that your experiences, whether it be good or bad, make you the person you are. So 2015 has definitely been a very reflective journey and I have learnt a lot of things that have allowed me to grow and develop into a much better person.

I would say I have definitely changed as a result of 2015. This has definitely been such a hectic year for my studies as I made a huge jump from secondary school to JC. And it was very difficult for me to cope. Because of that I become very jaded and started slacking off a lot. It definitely caused me to struggle a lot in the year, but I honestly think it was inevitable. I think what’s more important now though is I try and improve from here. I think that’s the best thing I can do for myself now.

When it comes to friendships I think I’ve changed a lot too. I’ve definitely learnt a lot more about friendships and how to manage them. But I think the biggest realisation I made was how important my mindset is. There were many times in the year I wallowed in my own self-misery, thinking that no one cared for me and even wanting to commit suicide because of it. But thinking back on it now, all I really needed to do was to calm down and think things through properly. If I had actually put things into perspective, I would have realised things weren’t as complicated as they seemed and I would have been a lot happier that way.

To be honest though, a lot these things I’m saying actually came from a friend. I really have to thank her because she was one who gave me a lot of advice and helped me put things into perspective. Without her, it would have been very hard to realise a lot of the things I previously said. However, when she first told me these things, I’ll admit that I was very turned off by them and didn’t understand anything at all. But gradually I started to realise that there was a lot of truth in what she said and it helped me through many of my toughest times. Although I’ve come a long way, right now I will say that I don’t think I understand everything fully and there will be times I fall back to my old habits. But I think it’s a journey and you just need to keep on going because there is a lot to look forward to at the end of it.

Some other ways I felt I have changed is in the way I see myself, physically at least. Like I said, I put on a lot of weight after I had worked so hard to lose all of it. And because of that I started feeling very depressed and unconfident. But at the same time, I really think it was a blessing in disguise. There were many moments during that time I felt like I needed to change but that takes time. So I just had to accept the fact that in the meantime, I would remain the way for a while. And from there it made me realise that there was nothing wrong with me and I’m perfectly fine the way I am. I definitely still have days where I feel insecure or unconfident, but I think I have made improvement in my journey for self-love.

On a similar note, there were many times I kept telling myself that I needed to exercise to lose weight. But I kept pushing it back later and later with many excuses like: “I already ate so much today no point going back now” or “I’m so busy I’ll just start tomorrow”. And in the end nothing ever happened. This was something that happened with my studies too and it just made things harder and harder. So something that I’ve learnt from this is that if you it is never too late to start. If you want to make changes in your life, it is always going to be gradual so start when you can.

And now we’ve reached the end. When I first started this, I remember having such a hard time figuring out what to right. But now it is more than 2,000 words long. As I wrote more and more, things just got easier and easier and I couldn’t stop. If this was the old me, I’m sure she would have given up half way. But I’m glad I finished what I started and it has definitely been a very therapeutic journey down memory lane.

So here is to a very uncertain 2016! May 2016 be the year that improves from 2015!

New Year, New Start

Well like the title states, this is a new year so why not have a new start? So welcome to my new blog!

So how did this all start? I was actually looking through Wong Fu Phil’s blog today (which I just realised even existed) and I got really inspired by it. I’ve always had a lot on my mind and it would be good if I found a way to channel that.

So this blog here will just be a way for me to write down tons of the random thoughts I have constantly floating around in my brain. I want to make sure I write meaningful stuff though. To me that is very important. And I guess I’ll just do it as and when I like. Like whenever something pops into my head that I really want to say I’ll be here!

As I’m writing this the blog is still a work in progress. I definitely want to improve it by making it look prettier and having better titles and stuff but I’m not entirely sure how at the moment.

On that note, it really feels like I don’t know what I’m doing. Like I’m not sure what to write, how to write it (For some reason I feel it should be more serious?). And then there are also the more nitty gritty stuff like whether or not I should have pictures and how I should format it. All of this just feels so new to me. But I think bottom line is that I just this to be something I’m proud of.

So I guess we’re at the end now. (I swear I suck at endings. And beginnings.) If you have read this from start to finish, I would like to welcome you to my blog one more time! I hope this journey will be a good one!